Cavern

As children, we associate Christmas with material things.  We haven’t
reached the maturity needed to be able to understand the essential
things of the holiday season.  For most children, Christmas is about
toys, tinsels, trees, lights and shiny stuff.  It’s all about how much
we have and how much we grab.  The blessings counted are the boxes
being unwrapped

Getting
older, unfortunately, does not guarantee that our views change.  In
fact, we do retain a lot of our childish behaviors.  Before Christmas
came, I wanted a car, but my parents gave me wise advice that I should
wait until next year (my pick-up is still functional anyway).  I was
hoping for a new phone which I am still contemplating on purchasing.  I
wanted new software and PC games.  These are all material things.
Somehow, I still equate Holiday gratification with material needs.

However,
in the midst of our materialistic behavior, we still get to see the
real important things in life: our lives, our families, our friends.

Thank
you so much for the people who greeted me and spent my birthday with me
starting with my loving family.  Thanks dad and mom for the one-week
vacation and for the fantastic get-together during the past days.
Thanks to Ate Richelle, my eldest sister for always having us in her
thoughts and her prayers.  Thanks to Diche Rosetti, my elder sister for
being my best friend and crazy companion.

I thank God for the people in my life.

December 23, 2006

Toff de Venecia
Via Multiply
(12/23/06 07.44)
hey felix! i hope you’re having a fantastic time there
abroad!
anyway, advanced happy birthday! i wish you all the best in the year ahead…
more blessings and more pounds! mwahahaha! joke!
take care brother! camon!

December 24, 2006

Red Alalay
Via text
(12/2406 00.00)
Hapy bday

Raffy Casas
Via text
(12/24/06 00.30)
Happy birthday

Kat Avelino
Via Friendster
(12/24/06 00.55)
Hey Felix!
How are you na? Happy Birthday! God bless…
Kat

Mark Tayag
Via text
(12/24/06 02.07)
hpi bday felix!Ü merry Christmas 2 u & y0r family!Ü

Von de Guzman
Via text
(12/24/06 02.19)
happy birthday oyshi ü

Robbie Romero
Via text
(12/24/06 03.26)
Happy birthday!Ü all the best! Ü

April Riego
Via YM
(12/24/06 05.22)
Happy birthday!

Jepoy Ramos
Via 3G Call
(12/24/06 05.43)

Jepoy Ramos
Via text
(12/24/06 06.42)
Hey it was really awesome talking. Mann. I missed chillin
with ya. Haha. Imma call ya when i get home. So many stories. Haha! Imma super
miss ya blood bro! Have an awesome birthday, a merry christmas and a blessed
new year! Hi to your sister again. Haha. Peash bro!

Manny Lahoz
Via text
(12/24/06 07.15)
Felix, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope you have a great one, and pray
you have many more wonderful years ahead. Welcome home.

Carms Hernandez
Via text
(12/24/06 07.47)
Hey hey hey! Hapi birthday felix!Ü how young are u na?
Hehehe!Ü hope

ur

doing ok and happy bcoz evry1 dserves to be! cheerios!

Gel

Santos

Via text from

Australia

(12/24/06 08.48)
hey flex,happy birthday and merry christmas !:) miss you
na!:) –gel

Jaime Barcelon
Via text
(12/24/06 09.04)
Hey! Welcome home! Hapi birthday!:p

June Veras
Via text
(12/24/06 09.04)
Hapi bertdi 2 u! I ncourej u w/ ds verse:4 HE(GOD)Himself
has sed,I WILL NOT n any way fail u nor give u up nor leave u w/o support. [I
WILL] NOT,[I WILL]NOT,[I WILL]NOT n any degree leave u helpless nor 4sake nor
let[u]down(relax my hold n u)![ASSUREDLY NOT]!So we take comfort &r
ncouragd & confidently&boldly say,D Lord s my Helper;I wil not b seized
w/ alarm [I wil not fear or dread or b terified].wat cn man do 2 me?Heb 13:5b,6

Itoy Velez
Via text
(12/24/06 09.21)
Goodmrng flex! happy happy birthday!

KV Villareal
Via text
(12/24/06 09.53)
Happy birthday, Flex!Ü Enjoy your day! -=Mark&KV=-

Ena Astudillo
Via text
(12/24/06 10.34)
In dSilenceof urHeART,Listen2 dmelodyof goodness:what uhave
doneforothers,isthesweetestmusicurHeARTcan everhold.. =)HAPPY BIRTHDAY Felix! -ena

Franssen Bondoc
Via text
(12/24/06 11.05)
Felix, happy birthday bro. ü

Rhem David
Via YM
(12/24/06 11.09)

Kyla Rivera
Via text
(12/24/06 11.40)
Happy birthday and merry christmas sweets.

Jam Mancenido
Via Cellular Phone Call
(12/24/06 11.58)

Monica Tiosejo
Via text
(12/24/06 13.26)
Are ya home na birthday boy? Ü

Johann de la Fuente
Via text
(12/24/06 13.40)
Happy birthday! Hehe. Heard

ur

hair is black na. Ka chat ko jepoy nw, in
japan. Enjoy

ur

day! Welcome home.:-)

Maita Ponce
Via text
(12/24/06 13.41)
Felix!! Happy birthday! Loves ya lots!

Lara Villaluz
Via text
(12/24/06 14.03)
Hi kuya Oysius!Ü happy birthdaaaay.Ü - Lara

David Cosico
Via text
(12/24/06 14.19)
Hey! Happy Birthday! Ü

Noodles Chua
Via text
(12/24/06 15.18)
Are you back? Happy happy birthday bro!

Manang Fely
Via text
(12/24/06 15.38)
Hi! Felix Happy Birthday! Manang Fely ito.

Laura Cabochian
Via text
(12/24/06 15.43)
Many were beheaded, most were stabbed with a spork. Too bad.
No more HSM Cast. Joke. Ü Welcome back, Merry Christmas, and happy birthday,
Felix!

Riza
Via Friendster
(12/24/06 15.58)
Hi!

Surprise! Itz me, Riza Vinzon of Metta’s previous musical production 3,999.
Remember me ??? Anyway I recently graduated from Assumption Communication dept.
Batch ‘06!!! Just want 2 wish you a Happy Birthday & Merry Christmas &
a Happy New Year to you. May you enjoy your special day and Hope that this
coming Year of the PIG 2007 be a great & successful year for you. See you
soon. God bless.

Nikko

Atienza
Via text
(12/24/06 16.11)
Oh, i forgot, welcome back and happy 24th birthday

Jaime del Mundo
Via text
(12/2406 17.02)
Hey Felix! Happy Birthday buddy! Have a good one. And Merry
Christmas! Ü

Gibbz Arcilla
Via text
(12/24/06 17.24)
Hey felix. Happy birthday and merry christmas. Have a good
one. Take care..

Harold Cruz
Via text
(12/24/06 17.36)
Hey dude. Happy happy happy birthday!!!

Oggs Cruz
Via text
(12/24/06 17.36)
Happy birthday!

Pom Docena
Via Multiply
(12/24/06 18.21)
hoppy birthday!
ho ho ho

RK Rebong
Via text
(12/24/06 18.28)
Diko, hapi boitday!

Brenda Benito
Via text
(12/24/06 18.52)
Happy Birthday!

Kakki Teodoro
Via text
(12/24/06 18.59)
FELIX! Ru here already?Ü Merry Christmas and HAPPY
BIRTHDAY!Ü

Kiting Villaluz
Via text
(12/24/06 19.08)
Happy bday!

Marla Pabalan
Via text
(12/24/06 21.05)
Flex! Happy birthday!Ü

Mahar Mangahas
Via text
(12/24/06 21.09)
Happy birthday! And this is not a Merry Christmas text. 2
events, 2 texts.

Pinky Reyes
Via text
(12/24/06 23.22)
shempre muntik na ko ma-late! Kasi nag-alarm ako ng midnight
of 25th! wahahaha! HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAY!

Franco Laurel
(12/24/06 23.26)
Before the stroke of midnight and before greeting you a
Merry Christmas, I want to greet you a Happy Birthday! Bro you are truly a
blessing! I wish you all the best and may your dreams come true! Here’s to a
lifetime of friendship. God bless you!

Jomar Malinay
Via text
(12/24/06 23.34)
Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas!Ü Enjoy the holidays and
May GOD Bless you and

ur

family!Ü –Jomar Ü

Sandro Hermoso
Via text
(12/24/06 23.35)
Hapi bday nga pla!

December 25, 2006

Ren Robles
Via text
(12/25/06 00.21)
Three-in-one message! Welcome home! Happy birthday! Merry
Christmas! –ren.

Crisel Consunji
Via text
(12/25/06 00.47)
Merry Christmas and a happy birthday

Cheche
Via text
(12/25/06 02.35)
Happy birthday felix! I thank God for you. Merry Christmas!
Ü

Mike Carag
Via text
(12/25/06 04.29)
Hapy bday, belated, dude. Il c u ds wk.

Andrei Pamintuan
Via text
(12/25/06 09.46)
Happy Birthday felix man! Ü

Lovely de Leon
Via Friendster
(12/25/06 11.15)
happy birthday dude!!! musta?

Manny Licsi
Via text
(12/25/06 15.31)
Belated happy birthday felix and a very merry Christmas to
you!

Reb Atadero
Via text
(12/25/06 19.37)
Sir felix! Merry Christmas. welcome back and belated happy
birthday.-reb

Some greetings through text may have been lost while I was out of the country but I am grateful for those ones as well.

These
are the things that count during the holidays and throughout the whole
year.  It’s not the tinsels or the glimmering worldly things that most
of the times are just distractions in our lives or simply means to
ends.  These are the people that grace my life and the people who make
me feel alive, and all I can say is that they are all I want for my
birthday and for Christmas.

"All I Want for Christmas is You" (Afanasieff)

People say pain is one of man’s curses. No one in their right mind
would want to get hurt. Pain brings about fear and despair. And with
the presence of fear comes the loss of living life in the present.
People in pain either starts dwelling in the past or gets lost in fear
for the future.

Two days ago, Joseph the Dreamer closed after running for 3
months. The 2pm show was the hardest show to do because my fear for the
end and the pain of it clouded my character/s. On stage, a performer
must learn how to empty his bodily shell to be able to replace it with
a new person. During that last performance, my real self overpowered
the new person I placed in me. My thoughts simply dwelled on everything
that we’ve gone through.

I was telling Jepoy that while I was driving to Megamall, I was
having glimpses. He asked what I meant by glimpses and I told him it’s
when I get flashes of the beginning. In fact, when I remember JTD, I
remember more of the rehearsals and the workshops more the show itself.
I remember how we woke up early in the morning for our morning
rehearsals at Dance Arts. I remember how we’d warm up physically and
"ngo"fully. I remember hip hop workshops and gymnastics where we’d all
sweat together and pig out afterwards. I’d remember getting to know
everyone.

I remember Ring and how she’s "mataray" but once you hug her, you’d feel like all your troubles are far away.

I remember Mommy Ems and how she’s always bouncy and cheerful. I
remember how devoted she is to her family. She is our sweet sweet mommy.

I remember Ashley and how sweet she is to us.  This girl is like my sister who I would care for no matter what.

I remember PG and her expressive eyes that cannot lie. I remember
her humor and the way she would cheer me up with our simple
face-the-cam-and-do-a-funny-face. Put your head on her shoulder and
you’ll find peace.

I remember Joel and Maita who shared their smiles every time we see
them. If ever you feel down, talk to them and they’ll make sure that
smile will be back on your face again.

I remember Shanda and her unforgiving ear for music.  I remember how her silence and that simple smile she wears everywhere.

I remember Lloyd and his dedication to work.  He would always inspire me to have my scripts memorized as soon as I can.

I remember Butch and his rocker look.  But beneath that rocker is the heart of a comedian and a heart of a concerned brother.

I remember Jandy and his grins: his grins that say how mischievous
he can be and his grins that tell you life is manageable and you can do
whatever you set yourself to do.

I remember Tito Raymund and his youthful heart.  I remember how he is a father to us all and yet a source of youthful energy.

I remember June V. and his genuine concern for everyone in the cast
and everyone outside it. His charitable heart always reminds me to
spread goodness in this world.

I remember Cairo and his innocence.  When I have son, I want him to be exactly like Cairo.

I remember Johann and his dedication to theater. If you’re feeling
low energy on stage, tap into Johann and you’ll be back on your feet. I
also remember Johann and how he would always invite us to gimmick.

I remember JC and how late he usually is. Hehe. More importantly, I
remember the good advice he would usually give when someone is in need
of it.

I remember George and how brotherly he is to all. He might have a
weird sense of humor but his pats on the back will keep you looking at
the bright side. I remember how he would go out of his way for us and
how thoughtful he is at every instance.

I remember Boyd and his words of practical wisdom. I also remember
his as one of the big brothers of this cast who’s always there to give
a helping hand and a helpful advice.

I remember Rycharde and his generosity with music. Whenever he’d
hear a good song for any of us he would always give us a smile and tell
us he has something for us. I remember how funny he is and how it would
give us the energy we need to last the day.

I remember Noodles and her birthday surprises. I remember how she
would always try her best to meet all our needs and make us happy
whenever and wherever.

I remember Ate Carol, Ate Bing, Tita Jinggay, Michelle, Jhellai and the others who took care of our professional needs.

I remember our beloved production staff, Dennis and the others who
not only assisted us with every need on stage but who also made us
laugh on the wings.  They are our brothers.

I remember Manang Lita and Ate Agon who draped us with colorful
costumes and who would allow us to give them warm hugs to make us feel
good.

I remember Che che and Alvin L. who were always there for Franco and
who were always there for us as well.  Thank you for extending
yourselves to the rest of us.

I remember Alvin John who led me to Joseph by inviting me to
audition.  I remember  how he led all of us as a good Trumpets
president.

I remember Franco who taught me more than the technicalities of
stage.  But I remember him more for sharing with me visions of God’s
blessings to all of us.  I have learned so much from you and for that I
will forever be grateful.  You truly are God’s gift to us.

I remember Jepoy who served as my mirror and who reminded me that I
still have a child in my heart.  Without you, JTD wouldn’t have been
that fun.  In fact, without you, I wouldn’t have felt bonded to the
rest of the cast.  You have been an earnest ear and a faithful
companion throughout this run and I thank God that I have met a friend
such as you.  In fact, I repeat what I said before, "You are already
family to me."

I remember Tito Freddie who didn’t just direct us as actors and
performers but who directed us as persons.  This run has been so
meaningful because of you and your words of wisdom.  You have opened so
many eyes and hearts.  You have made us see things we wouldn’t see.
You have made us understand things that may seem so difficult.  You
have helped us reach our goals and led to us to the road of our future
goals.  Tito Freddie, you are our window to God’s words.  We owe you so
much and we love you.  Thank you for leading us to our first day.

I remember all these people and all the things we’ve gone through:
arduous rehearsals, fun outings, birthday celebrations, late night
chatting, etc.  And now that it is all over, these memories cause me
pain.  It causes me to hurt because now that Joseph the Dreamer
is over, I will not see them as often as before.  It is true that our
friendship will not die.  But it won’t be the same as how we spent it
during the last 3 months.  I’m hurting because it will be different
from now on.

But then, I am happy that I am feeling pain.  It is a weird notion
but I’m happy because knowing that I’m in and feeling pain means that I
value all of the people and all of the events in the deepest regions of
my soul.  Being in pain means I have held them all close to my heart.
And for me, that’s the most important thing: that at one point, we
started something and it will grow into the future no matter what way
it may be.

From now on, there won’t be JTD.  There will only be me.  But I’m
glad to know that when I left JTD, I left with so much more.  The end
is only the first day and the start of the rest of our lives…
together.

"From Now On" (Trzetrzelewska/White)

I haven’t used two song titles for a heading but there’s always a first time for everything.  The first song title says so much about what I will write about but the second one, I can say, is the soul of the idea.  Well, that and the fact that it is the theme song of the movie that inspired me to write this entry.

Let’s look into some common allusions typically used in literature.  Coldness is usually linked to death because, apparently, dead people are literally cold.  Heat, on the other hand, is attributed to passion.  When someone is in a fight or flight mode, his adrenaline rises causing a hyped up system.  In the process, blood is pumped faster raising the human body’s temperature.  I’m supposing it is already obvious why the first title is Burn.

One of the greatest killers of the human spirit is mediocrity.  Mediocrity kills dreams; dreams create futures; futures support life.  In a sense, mediocrity is one of the greatest killers of man.  There is a certain element of coldness in this killing element.  It totally removes the sense of passion and passion is half of what makes us human.  I say that because the other half is our mind, our intellect.  Everyone knows this: it’s our classic heart and head concept.

I just finished watching Music of the Heart.  It’s a movie based on a true story that talks about Roberta Guaspari’s struggle to fight for what she believes in.  And she does this not because it will benefit her alone, but because it will benefit the children she believed in.  She fought for it because it’s the right thing to do.

Roberta Guaspari is a divorced wife, a single mother of two and a frustrated concert violinist.  After she was separated from her husband, she returned home.  She applied at a school to teach a violin class.  At first, she was rejected but because of her persistence, she was able to convince the directress to accept her as a sub.  At some point, she just wanted to depend on her mother for support but she had to find a job for her children.  She fought for her kids.

As her first term progressed, she encountered problems.  She was depressed about her divorce; she was troubled with her kids’ yearning for a father.  She wanted to quit.  The cold enveloped her but she didn’t give up.  She fought for her children, for her family.

Now she has an even bigger challenge: more children, her students.  Some didn’t have the interest; some were not allowed; and some were just plain rowdy.  As contrast to another music teacher who cared about nothing but the ticking clock and dismissal, she worked on her students, inspired them to learn and encouraged them to excel.  She was frank about quality but she was equally blunt about potential.  If the sound sucked, she’d tell her students outright, but she would also tell them the right things to do, the right path.  If it meant giving them private lessons free of charge, she’d do it.  She fought for her students.

Ten years later, her program was shut down because there was no budget for her class.  She could’ve easily let go but she knew that music has touched her students and has inspired them to excel in other visions.  She rallied the parents and the faculty and looked for all means to save the program, not for herself but for her students and her future students.  Problems came in left and right but God provided and everything worked out.  She fought for the future.

She started cold.  I could say she was knocked out cold when her husband left her.  But don’t we all fall.  Life is a bunch of falls.  Life is unfair.  But what matters is what we do with it.  She was knocked out cold but she rose up and burned her passion for what she does best.  And she burned with passion to be her best not only for herself but more because of her children: maternal children and scholar children.  She burned so much that she heard a ringing in her ear that sang the music of her heart.  She heard her heart and it spoke to her: rise above your misery and make other lives better because in so doing, you’ll lift your spirit higher.

Director Freddie Santos told us that all person has a desire for good.  It’s only a matter of whether that person has a desire for his selfish needs or desire for the good of others that determine his heart.  We all have hearts.  We just have to decide whether to kill it in the cold or burn it with good passion.  Maybe we can all burn up and hear that music in our hearts.

Burn (Arena/Reswick/Werfel)

Music of My Heart (Warren)

It takes time for diamonds to form.  It takes years for Sequioas to grow.  It takes a lifetime for a man to live.  And in that period of time they all dream for brilliance; they reach for the sky; they aim for perfection.  But when and how is that perfection attained?

Last week, I had a fill of discussions about excellence and humility: during a talk in our company call, our director, Freddie Santos, talked about that subject.  He said that the essence of humility is excellence.  Later that night, while having a casual discussion with friends, one of them said that no one can proclaim that he or she is humble, otherwise, that would be considered bragging.  After one show, a Playshopper told me that we should not be flattered because of her appraisal for greater things will still come our way.  Put them all together and it is one enlightening lesson in life.

The essence of humility is excellence.  Other people might get the impression that this is a contradiction.  However, it is more of a paradox.  It is true that the superficial outlook on excellence is attributed to elitism and pride.  People think that to be famous, one must be excellent.  While there is truth in these clauses, one must remember that the spirit of excellence is to become better with each moment that passes by.  The greatest enemy of excellence is the idea that one is good enough or is the best because it is then that one stops to be better.

What will crack wits is that to be better, one must admit that he or she is not perfect, that he or she is in fact not excellent enough.  Therein comes the spirit of humility.  To be humble is not to say that we are incapable of doing things.  To be humble is to admit that we are still on the journey of growth, on the journey of reaching the top.  To be excellent, one must be humble.  And in humility, one becomes excellent in time.  We shouldn’t say that we are the best; instead, we should say that we aim for the best.

Proclamation of humility is an act of arrogance.  Think about it.  When you hear someone attest that he or she is humble, isn’t there that nagging feeling that you don’t want to believe that person?  Why is that the case?  It’s like reverse-psychology.  You proclaim that your humble; that means you have something to be humble about (which is also the same as being proud about something).  That, in a sense, is a subtle way of arrogance.  I think humility is a virtue left for others to observe than for you to broadcast.  Don’t say you’re humble; instead, say that you are humbled by those before you.  That way, you establish in yourself your place in the universe and your path in destiny.

Flattery gets one nowhere.  The same holds for those who are flattered.  Dante Alighieri wrote in his Divine Comedy that flatterers belong to the 6th circle of hell and its sinners are dropped inside septic pockets head first.  To be flattered is sometimes healthy, that is if it serves to remind you how far you’ve gone and how farther you can go.  However, if flattery gets to someone’s head, it leaves a person in danger of stopping growth.  He or she may think that they have reached the top based on people’s appraisals.  Wrong.  There are more than 4 billion people on this planet, not to mention an unimaginable number of entities in the universe.  It will take more than a million lifetimes to claim everyone’s appraisal.  And in the midst of creation, each of us is but a speck.  So the Playshopper is correct, one must not be flattered by a mere praise.  One must work to make sure that appraisal is worthy of the one who was praised. 

By the way, this Playshopper is pre-teen.  It is amazing what we can hear from those who are younger than us.

In the end, we realize that perfection is a lifelong process.  Only in death and afterlife can we proclaim perfection.  After all, perfection is only attained once we are one with the Creator.  And the manner of reaching this perfection is not through seeing how big we are but how significant we can be to the universe.  We are a neverending potential until the end.  We work on that by keeping in mind that we can be better.  And it is not about being better than others.  It is written that there will always be men who are greater and lesser than us.  What matters is that we aim to be better than ourselves all the time so that we are always on that road of growth.  We reach for the top but we must keep our head leveled.

I thank God for the kids and the Playshoppers who watched us and who approached us after our show.  What they told us made my day.  They said that they want to be like us when they grow up.  That encouraged me beyond thought that I must strive to be better for myself and for others.  They reminded me that I can inspire lives and encourage spirits.  I was reminded that I am a child of the universe, a child of God and that I want to be better everyday so that I’ll be worthy when my time ends.

"Reach" (Warren)

A friend and mentor of mine once talked about an idea about writing something about the Rockefeller Christmas Tree.  This grand tree always brought the spirits up during the Christmas season, but my friend shared a theory.  What if that tree can talk and express itself?  Would it be happy to be the center of attention during Christmas?  Would it be content that it is grand and vibrant and very special?  Would it be happy?

There are times when we meet people that we don’t understand.  We find them neurotic, eccentric and often times, weird.  They come up with the most brilliant ideas but they lack the skills to impart them to people.  They want things done now; any later and it seems catastrophic for them.  Neurotic is their second name and volatility is their nickname.

Often times, it’s so easy to hate these people.  They have no care in the world except for their brilliance and ingenuity.  They appear so selfish from the outside.  In fact, sometimes it looks like they have nothing on their minds except their own minds.  We find their nagging annoying but have we really scratched the surface of what is in their hearts?

I’d like to believe that most of the times, these people are just misunderstood.  All we see is how they think and how they work.  Often times, we only witness how much they demand things.  But we seldom take time to dig into their hearts and understand how they feel.  Genius or not, special or ordinary, people are still people.  Brilliance is a gift, but the human heart is nature.  It may seem pathetic but I wrote this entry because while watching My Super Ex Girlfriend, there was a moment where everyone was laughing but I felt a genuine sympathy for the superhero who wanted nothing in the world but to be loved.  However, it was hard to love her because of the burden she carries with her everywhere: her special gifts.  In the end, it took another special being to love her and understand her.

Some people are highly acclaimed for their brilliance, although highly alienated for their demeanor but deep inside, I’m sure these people just want to be one of us on the boulevard just living simple lives.  Being unique is always a gift but belonging is the greater gift.

So does the Rockefeller Christmas tree feel happy to be the center of attention during Christmas?  Or does it want to belong with the other pines?

On the Boulevard (Graydon/Page/Jordan)

When a tree falls down, it’s a devastating sight.  It’s devastating because it’s nature’s destruction.  It’s devastating because it’s a waste of a life and the help it can do to other lives.  It’s devastating because its weight can injure other creations.  Its impact upon the ground leaves a devastating mark and a thunderous thud specially for those that are massive in size.  When they fall, they fall stiff and hard and unbending, like they’ve been shocked and frozen.

It’s hard when we stumble, especially when we reach the top of our momentum.  Everything is up there then we just feel like we’re losing control and we end up flat on our backs.  It’s a painful reality but it does happen and we cannot avoid it.  Everyone must start somewhere.  From there we learn and from there we improve.  We learn to take things one step at a time.

It’s not just about lunging forward and throwing yourself in the air.  We don’t become successful with rash movements.  It’s not just momentum; it’s also about control.  First, we aim and then we look where we’re going.  We remind ourselves that there is a line we have to follow and before we take things on our own turf, we make that line our sacred companion.  We start on the line; we end on that same line.  If we don’t, we’ll find ourselves lost hitting others in the process.  We don’t only end up harming ourselves, we also end up twisting our fates with other innocent bystanders.  Follow that line.

Once we set that line, once we see where we’re going, we bend down to lay our hands in front of us.  We learn to grab hold of what we see and what we know.  We keep ourselves grounded so that when the time comes to soar, our balance is still intact.  And with that balance, we also maintain the path that we set for ourselves.

Now that we have set our direction and we have lowered ourselves to the ground, it is time to take that risk to kick in the air and take our chances.  We start to believe that we can do it and kick off the ground to turn ourselves around and see where we land.  Failure might occur.  Our attempt may also be successful, but until we try, we’ll never know.  With foresight comes action.  Without action, foresight is but a tell-tale with no substance.

Now that we have kicked ourselves off the ground we must keep ourselves straight and must keep vigilant.  Control is of the essence.  The slightest bending can throw us off course and we’ll end up off the line we have plotted.  Our focus must be precise and our stomachs tight to keep ourselves from falling.

Finally, everything that goes up, must come down.  Life is a roller coaster with ups and downs.  There is definitely a time to touch ground whatever happens but what is important is where we land.  If we landed on the line we have planned, seen and focused on, then that is perfection.  Our feet land on the ground pointing towards the line we traced.  And with our arms raised straight up, we can smile and appreciate what we’ve achieved.

That is how to execute a proper cartwheel.

I learned this today in gymnastics.  Of course, the coach explained it in a much direct and simpler manner.  But like I said, life is roller coaster.  It also has its twists and turns.

"Life is a Roller Coaster" (Alexander/Noweis/Nowels)

It’s the sum of our experiences.  That’s how some people would describe life.  What we do everyday and the circumstances we meet define what our life is at the end of it all.  Presidents and icons in history are remembered because of their achievements and the situations they’ve had to deal with as they lived.  They are remembered as the sum of all their lively manifestations.

Yesterday, I watched Disney’s "Cars."  Like most animated films, "Cars" was filled with cute characters and humorous scenes.  I particularly liked the assitant of Luigi, the tire seller.  He didn’t say a word that I understood.  He spoke Italian the whole time, but despite the language barrier, his simple expressions and gestures made him so funny.  The characters of Radiator Springs were so colorful, and I mean it literally and literarily.  All of them were amusing, yet underneath the humor, there lay a sense of depth in their collective lives.

I think it’s silly to cry in an animated film such as "Cars."  I mean, it’s not as silly as crying in the death scene of Godzilla in its film back in 1998 but it is still pretty silly.  However (somehow, a "however" already sounded like it was gonna be the next thing in this paragraph), there was a scene in "Cars" that made me feel highly nostalgic.  It was a flashback of the older Radiator Springs when it was still known to travelers as a haven for long-distance drivers.  It was a scene where all the characters of that town had so much life and so much meaning.  Paired with Newman’s song "Our Town" performed by James Taylor, it was something that made me, let’s just say, susceptible to shedding tears.

It made me look back at my own life.  I remembered my childhood days.  Life was so simple back then.  All that mattered was that you are with your family and that your family was with you.  A simple dinner where everyone is present is enough to bring everyone a smile.  Everyone looked forward to out of town trips with everyone.  I was in an existent childhood dreamworld: being with my family.

Then as we grew up, we started to dream about other things, but still simple things.  I wanted to become a pilot when I was in gradeschool.  There’s simply something about flying that was so fantastic.  My sisters had their own dreams.  Theirs was more concrete as they were way older than me, but we still all lived together.  Doing stuff as one happy family.  I remember during black-outs, we’d all go the terrace of the house, light a candle, sit by the breeze and just sing with my dad playing the guitar.  We’d wait till the lights are back on and there was no better way to wait than to sing with my family.

There comes a time when we have to live our own lives.  We’re still connected to each other but we may not be in the same house anymore; same home but not the same house.  My sister answered her calling to a vocation.  She offered her life to Opus Dei.  She had to live elsewhere since that time.  It was something I didn’t really understand but something I took in good faith.  I know who my sister is and what she chooses must be something that is good, and her vocation turned out to be good.  However, my dreamworld had a chip broken off.  But it was for the better.

Time went on and I grew up.  Things changed.  My other sister got married but we still live together.  She’s my best friend until today.  We watch each other’s backs and make sure each one is ok.  But now we live on our own.  Our parents are back in Rizal while we live in our condo in Metro Manila.  Our parents visit us all the time and we still go out.  I still look forward to those out-of-town trips.  Nowadays, however, it’s not so often anymore.  Our schedules don’t meet; sometimes we’re not complete.  What used to be the dining table with 5 people is now a dining table of sometimes just 1 person.  We’re all in the same home, same family but not the same house.

Furthermore, what used to be simple dreams of flying became a misty dream of sorts until I decided on one thing: to sing, to perform.  It’s not as easy as it looks like.  I had to thicken my skin and learn how to accept rejections and I did.  I had so many plans that went to the drain.  I still have many plans that do not turn out well.  But these are things that I have to deal with.  Rejections and failures build my sense of hope but it also adds to my bank of heartaches.  Not everything I dreamed of happened.  But I still live for them.  It’s just like my family.  We’re not physically together all the time anymore but we still live for the times we are together.  It’s not the childhood dreamworld I had where we’re always with each other but it’s now a real world where we always have each other in mind.  And having them in mind, always helps me find myself in the child I used to be.

The people of Radiator Springs lost what they had when the insterstate highway was constructed, but they never lost the sense of living for that possible moment when life will come back to their town.  That’s what defined who they are.  If they will be defined by their experiences, it would be completely tragic at some point in their lives.  But if it will be defined by what they’ve sought to have and what they’ve striven to be, it will be a glorious life no matter what.  They never lost themselves in their time of ruin.  They always found themselves in that drive to live for that life they had.

It may just be an animated film but it is reminiscent of real life.  It has a message.  Don’t just find yourself in things that you have experienced.  Though our experiences have a great weight on our lives, it’s what we live for that molds us to be who we are.  It is in those dreams, those inner thoughts where you will find yourself.  We are not just the sum of our experiences.  We are the sum of everything we live for.

"Find Yourself" (Paisley)

Over the weekend, I watched "Inside Man" with my dad and contrary to what I thought, it was a movie filled with conversations and insights instead of the typical action film filled with gunshots and explosions.  One insight mentioned in this film is about respect.  It was actually mentioned in just one line: "Respect is the ultimate currency."  It was Dalton Russell (played by Clive Owen) who said this as part of his ending narration.  It was a statement that contradicted Arthur Cases’ (played by Christopher Plummer) philosophy.

DISCLAIMER: for those who don’t want to know about the plot of "Inside Man," skip this next paragraph.

"When there’s blood on the streets, buy property."  In the middle of the film, it will be revealed that Arthur Case built the foundation of his Manhattan Trust Bank on the blood of Jewish friends he betrayed.  He became rich, because he turned over a prominent french-jewish friend so that he can take their possessions and receive the Nazi’s support to start a financial empire that will last him his lifetime.  Over the years, he earned respect and became a figure in American History.  He mingled and became associated with various renowned personalities.  And yet, despite the good will he has done throughout the years there is that speck of blood that cannot be washed off his soul and proof of it lies within a safety deposit box in his own bank.  And despite his awards, his connections and his grand reputation, this speck of blood will one day turn back time for him so that he will wade in the blood he himself spilled.

What’s the point of achievements if there was no sweat involved?  What’s the point of being successful when there was no hint of scars of labor?  What’s the point of renown if your very soul does not exist anymore?  Often we hear stories of people who climb up the ladder of success because of means that are not customary.  It’s either they paid a great price for it; they sold their principles to get it; even worse, they took a life just to have it.  The end justifies the means; they do have what they want.  But in the process, they lose the things that truly matter.  They lose the trust of their friends, the respect of society and the dignity of their lives.  Even if only a few know of their dirty deeds, even if the person alone knows of it, in essence he/she has lost the essence of humanity.

To be human is to strive to be better.  To bypass hardships and to take shortcuts only takes you two steps backwards.  It is true that failures do set us back but what we do about them is what can set us forward.  We learn and we improve.  It’s a slower process of going to the top but you’re sure that you’re grounded.  My mom used to tell me our lives can be compared to two running lines.  One represents our achievements while the other represents our lifestyle.  The achievement line may go up or down but always keep the lifestyle line level.  It is easier to accept occasional failures than having to lower your raised lifestyle after living it.  In short, whatever you achieve, be simple. 

To be simple is a way of respecting one’s self.  A lot of people think respect is looking at someone with regard and praise.  It’s not.  Respect is like justice.  To be just is to give what is due.  To respect is to see someone as who he truly is.  In this world, each one of us is merely doing our roles.  In the big picture, each of our existing lives is simple as compared to our collective existence.  We are simple beings.

Working on our individual roles let’s us see who we are in ourselves and what we can do.  Knowing those things can help us impove ourselves and let others see that we are capable of doing much more.  Therein lies the earning of respect.  Failures exist to remind us that we have much to learn.  Without them, we’ll never have the drive to move forward.  Without failures there’s no necessity, without necessity there are no inventions.  So in the end, it is respectful to admit to one’s self that we fail.  When you fail, accept it and learn.  Therein lies the path to respect one’s self because you see that you can be better than what you are now.  And to see that you can be better is to see that you are indeed human.  And human is what you truly are.

"Respect" (Redding)

I’ve said it more than once; I never want to be placed in a situation where I have no control over things.  Sadly though, we are always in a situation where we are not in control.  Our very existence lies in a fundamental reality that we cannot control: time.  Everyone will age; everyone will die eventually.  There’s nothing we can do about that.  What we can do is achieve what we can before the end.

Unfortunately, what we achieve is also dependent on other factors.  Some factors we can control, others we can’t.  We may work very hard on something, pour our very souls into it but in the end, it may still not work out.

I was waiting for a project today.  It hasn’t been confirmed yet but the signs were positive.  I’ve been waiting for either an approval or a disapproval for almost 5 days already and each day has been agonizing.  I’ve prayed hard for it.  I’ve done all that I could to ensure that all requirements were met.  But in the end, the requirements were changed and so I didn’t get it.

A lesson I promised myself to learn is that never expect anything to come your way until it is within arms reach.  Never expect destiny to coincide your own goals until it’s been concretely laid out.  But there is a very thin line between hope and expectations.  I tend to fall on the wrong side all the time.  I always end up expecting.  You see, when I pray, I always tell God that I trust in his Will and whatever destiny unfolds will be the best thing for me.  Unfortunately, there’s that disillusion that praying for God’s Will is getting what I want.  On the contrary, I don’t know what God’s Will is and though I trust it fully, I get frustrated when my prayers are not answered.  I am frustrated today.

So I try to pour my frustration on other matters.  I try to do things that are not routine today: not go to the gym, read other books, tried to relax, bridge some old friendships.  Everything didn’t work out.  I got even more frustrated.  It’s the feeling that everything is against me.  And I had nothing on me to defend myself except my faith that things will turn out well.  And at the end of it, it will be just another day that goes by.

It’s hard to deal with frustrations.  There’s just nothing to do but face them and trust that there are things that are for you and not for you.  After all we’re not gods who have absolute control over our destinies.  We’re humans whose lives are still part of a grand design.  And it’s a reality we have to be humble to submit to otherwise, we will cause our own destructions.  After all, the effort we put is what shapes our character.  It’s not the number of successes but the number of failures we learn from that builds who we are.

A prayer I learned from St. Josemaria Escriva, founder of Opus Dei (no, it’s not a saddistic cult of assassins and rich conspirators): "I want what You want, I want it because You want it, I want it as You want it, I want it when You want it."  For the things we have no control over, let’s leave it to the Boss.

"Another Day Goes By" (Logan/More/Moon)

I am the kind who gets easily amazed by worlds of fantasy or futuristic worlds.  In a sense, I’m a person who gets amazed by realities that are apart from this world.  Sometimes I can be so trapped in that "unreality" that I tend to forget that there are some worlds in my reality that are, in truth, apart from me.

Weeks ago, my grandmother was confined to the hospital.  At the age of 80, her body cannot cope with the burden of pneumonia.  Presently, she’s dependent on her respirator and may not survive without it.  And the reality is, soon even her respirator may not be enough.

Last night, all of grandma’s children, which includes my father, gathered by her bedside.  Even with her respirator, she was struggling for air.  It was a dark moment.  The family whom I knew to be always happy and festive was nowhere to be found.  I was surrounded by family with dark eyes and dark dispositions.  I was in a different world.  There was no talk of parties, no sound of laughter and no glimpse of smiles.  Instead, there were broken voices, drops of tears and dazed stares at blank space.

I felt as they did.  I felt as my cousins did but not because I was losing my grandmother.  I felt the sadness because I was never close to my grandmother.  I never knew her the way the others did.  I have none much memories of her despite the 23 years that I have been alive.  I only remember doing the "mano po" everytime we see her but that’s it.  I have no memories of long chats or even small talks.  We were worlds apart.

And now, we’ll be even farther apart for anytime she will be crossing over to the other world.  The other world where she will find her peace and I pray to God that her passing will be as painless and peaceful as can be.  Despite the fact that I didn’t know her that well, I know for sure that she has been a good mother.  She raised nine children and her nine children raised her granchildren and her grandchildren are raising her great-grandchildren.  And I owe her my life.

Thank you for the life you have given my father.  Because of that, I am alive and living.  You are loved and will be remembered whatever may happen.

There are indeed important worlds that are apart from us in our own realities.  Let’s make sure we get to know them before it is too late.

"Worlds Apart" (Haseltine/Odmark/Lowell/Mason)